adrienne maree, the luscious satyagraha

the songlist that i was able to take the time to right down included:

Final hour

Just like water

To Zion

Right to fight

How many mics

Ooh la la la (with sitar)

Ready or not (rock style)

Doo wop that thing (rock)
then as my boy karl pulled her off the stage she did an a capella thing that was divine and kind of what we all needed. we only left in fact cause we knew people waiting outside for the second show, starting 2 hrs late or something. divas - thank god for divas.

so details: there was a big and tightly packed band, lauryn looked like the boondocks huey, aged and cast in perfect feminine shadow. she obsessively patted her face with towels which she threw into the crowd at the end of the show. we were smart and went to where we could sit and have a nice view of the whole thing - i’m not a stand down front get crushed kinda girl… check out my pictures!

slight bitterness:
- lauryn apparently picked two girls out of the guest list line to sing back up with her. HELLO. ok??
- i missed the last bart home and got my first introduction to why public transportation in the bay kinda sucks. visions of a wackness only comparable to d.c. there’s just no no no excuse to why there isn’t an hourly train running across the bay. its dumb, and it doesn’t matter how many times someone tells me to think of it like a town, its not a town! this a city and it should act right and let the bart run at night and do maintenance around that like every other major city with an underground transportation system!

ok on to other topics.

i grew up in deutschland for 9 years of my childhood and today they eeked a victory over argentina. i went into the game torn, wanting a brazil-argentina final, knowing that argentina isn’t so different from any of the euro teams, having gotten my young ass kicked by little german 6th graders and long ago recognized their soccer superiority vis a vis me…but as the game went on i was falling for argentine, for all that lovely footwork and then that dastardly yellow card. here’s the rub - i am fairly certain that a german player did heil hitler during the game? did anyone else see that?

that ain’t right!

this weekend i am off for a hot tub in tiburon with jenn and shane in town, something like a triple blessing

I am sitting here with the charming josie wulsin waiting (2.5 hrs now) for lauryn hill. The crowd is angsty and I am part of that crowd, tho I am glad I am not standing outside for the second show that is supposed to start in 20 minutes, as this first show has not yet started!

A little birdy said lauryn was super duper diva’d out. Part of me said…not my lauryn. Another part said…good for her! She said she was deranged y’all what you expect!

I wrote this last night:

The north, the north.
Tonight I dined with elaine, one of the great leaders of the world. She is the one who got me to love canada, who has me focused on the impacts of oil. Its no longer abstract, or just a rising cost. Or a burning field. Its everything, I see the impact everywhere I look…I see the moment of peak. I see the need, right now for work and collaboration broader in scope than we had ever before imagined…even imagined a need for in my lifetime. Growing up, you are really unfolding the circumstances of your life to reach a deep core, a powerful core for your life, an answer to why. Not the big why, all of it, just the why of you. What is the addition you bring? I am steps closer but still miles and years away. Seeing the images of that perfect landscape, seeing the documented changes over just a few years - the time to be a player in the game is upon us, the hunt is afoot, its now.

…

Please keep in mind I was with a true sheroe and had watched syriana and seen her photos of northern lights that looked like a chief and glaciers in the distance. The line between dire and hopeful sleep is pure process.

Now lauryn’s band is playing. Her back up singers look as lost as we in the crowd do. Where is our moody dalai lama of the mic? Her unplugged album gave me an outlet this year, so I won’t get mad.

I was sure she’d be out before I finished but no - is she in town at all?

SHE’S HERE!!!

OH MY GOD she looks so much cooler and more beautiful than I thought possible!!!!!!!!!

Geek.
The.
Fuck.
Out.

wow - more of you gave than i expected! and more of you should give. this raising of money is fun!

ok. in other news - this morning the host of my yert home caught someone walking out of the backyard with a bike. they got stopped, but this is encouraging me to move out of the yert sooner than later.

im about to watch syriana. everyone says its depressing. its three men i adore on the cover. yes. adore!

y’all i know i am supposed to be reflective but i am actually feeling all at peace and in power and just working hard and not a lot to say in terms of navel gazing, or excuses. or complaining. or telling stories even. hmmmm. why don’t you all tell me some stories? post something, anything interesting that has happened in your world. post as if you are writing for a new yorker far from home who wants to hear about brooklyn, or someone in a new job who wants to hear funny work things. and such. and such. tell tell tell!

this morning’s game with ghana and brazil was a bit like watching large scale multi-member erectile dysfunction. it hurt. it was like, i know its not my fault but are you trying to hurt me? are you teasing? why do you keep coming right up to the edge and then FLOP, NADA, NOTHING, WHY WHY WHY??!!!??!

brazil’s sloppy grace and arrogant post-game shirtlessness really drove home the point that they are not in solidarity with the global south. scoring in the first 4 minutes shows no respect for your opponent.

in other news - i went up the mountain and went deep inside myself and came back raring to lead. and raise money! i never thought that would be such a fun challenge, securing resources - but then again i love the programs and have total and absolute faith in the staff. raising money for ruckus is like cheering for..a winning team! and i want everyone i meet on that team.

speaking of - if all the people who read my blog became monthly members of ruckus it would make sure that we could offer scholarships to ALL the impacted youth who have applied to learn non-violent direct action at our camp! www.ruckus.org - go to SUPPORT US! i’ve never asked you for anything!

in other news - there is no other news. there’s soccer and fundraising.

ghana, beautiful beautiful ghana, may the sun never set on your victory! soccer is a game for the world, the u.s. didn’t even feel right in the game today, only with a more international respect in our policies and practices can we enter the world cup without the entire world watching to see our elimination.

i am up here in the mountains of colorado with no phone access, realizing that i am celibately working too hard because i haven’t dealt with some matters of the heart - so obvious but i hadn’t seen it! chale, al green said it best, how can you mend a broken heart, particularly if you won’t acknowledge having one! so then the work begins…

i’m in colorado for the second week of in-person leadership development in this year-long program and it already promises to be more deep and moving than the first.

the amount of things in my life that have changed significantly since march, since last december - its too much to think about really. the need to check in, pace myself, be a better friend and sister and daughter, these things are always in my mind but its such a gift to be forced in a way, forced by a long-ago yes, into the work that is harder for me - acknowledging weaknesses, things i can’t do, things i have a hard time with.

the nature of the work is there is always more to do than anyone can do, no matter how competent and well-meaning we are. and that along there you have to find the support, let people have your back. life is the stories, aka process…the same stories get amped up or muted and told over and over again. it is particularly hard to do work where the people you most love and do the work for are those most likely to push back against you.

my current swirl of self-awareness is that i am no saint, that everything is not benevolent in my thinking no matter how hard i want it to be, that i am still wracked by defensiveness and worry and self-interest. and that all i can do is continue to work for it, continue to indulge in my moments of hateration or greed and overanalysis and desire and be cool with it, forgive myself, think of ways to rise just a little tiny bit higher each time.

this is the line of thinking that occurs when you drive up a mountain in colorado

for one second send me a little love and the wish that i go openly into hard internal work. love yall - amb

Well…in terms of his stance on environment. Good little analysis for a vice president non-president graying guy. He’s on charlie rose, I haven’t seen his movie yet, but if he’s saying these things…it all may be worse than any of us think cause this is still in the realm of centrist, slight liberal, reality. Someone at his level putting forth a radical interconnected political analysis of why our nation is leading the movement against our extended survival on this planet? Gives you just a moment of being present in hearing the truth. Katrina as ‘”A period of consequences”‘ indeed.

Pg.

Actions speak louder than words, we say. But some people’s words are their best possible action.

Pg.

Sir sri - not lonely, I don’t think, could be wrong! I haven’t had enough time alone to get past cherishing aloneness to being lonely. But I would say pensive, for sure. A pensive tipsy. Ah, c’est moi.

Pg.

Another factor may be watching the hardship of trying so hard. To flirt is no real effort, but to take any step towards intimacy…when I am so in love with my current days…ay.

Pg.

Heard from germany today, officially 10 years since we last saw each other, he is recovering from a concussion!

Pg.

Today we had an exciting strategy session about phase ii of our not your soldier work. So exciting and timely and serious. Keep an eye out.

Pg.

Have had several exciting conversations about ruckus’ future and how far we could go, how thrilling the rebirthing process could be, how competent the team is…puts a smile on my face! I am so hoping you will all join the ruckus list and be part of what all’s coming!

Or…

Isn’t clean energy and pro-environment the smarter long term investment? Its the next dot com thing, survival…
Pg.
Isn’t it sometimes fun to flirt all night and then say no? Truth.com: Being wanted is perhaps the only thing better then being had.
Pg.
Isn’t it funny to have a nice warm afternoon conversation with someone and then watch them have the same conversation with 8 other people and the only topic is him?
Pg.
Are ny men more likely than any other place to be single issue organizers of their own fabulousness and fantasies? And so fine - I saw a shirtless bruce leroy lookalike tonight and thank you, thank you it was nice!
Pg.
Isn’t it better to spend an afternoon doing nothing with a soft bed after all the beverage (insert accent anywhere, I know I am) than any planned day?
Pg.
The u.s. are still in the world cup even though italy scored their goal! Get out!
Pg.
And then I had started another blog called ‘things I learned for love’…I thought of this today when someone asked me why I was so into the world cup. I started watching soccer cause I fell for a soccer fan. Someone sitting with me said that’s how she learned underground hip-hop. Then the boy next to me said he knew a friend who learned all about birds. Int’l politics, saul alinsky, star wars, tolkien, wine, juvenile justice, plant care, photography, art, the ny times, the new yorker, harpers, beat production, film critique, eyebrow tweezing, vote by mail, acting without ego, listening without response, loving without time and how to love myself. etc. Would anyone ever know anything beyond abc123 without the heart?
Pg.
Anatomy. Chocolate is better dark. Jazz. Astronomy.
Pg.
Have you heard ray’s blues before sunrise. So good to sleep to..

ok so i am back in ny, again, yes. YES. i love it here!

am learning all about ruckus TV…yes we will have ruckus tv! its all such cutting edge technology that the main thing out of my mouth is ‘wow, thats cool’. one of the key things i’m trying to identify is various youth communities on the frontline of climate change - climate refugees whose natural landscape has shifted so drastically that they cannot maintain their ways of life - in the arctic north, on the gulf coast, in the dry center of india. help me if you know such communities!

so i came back from take back america, but the meeting i was supposed to have that night fell through so john and i headed to the baths and let me tell you. there’s this one older guy who works there, handsome, russian, friendly - he’s going to school. we always talk when i come but i never got worked by him before and i stopped getting massages there cause some of the masseuses are too um…too happy to be massaging, you know? but last night he was like just let me and i was like ok, and wow - 18 years of experience DOES mean something in the end. afterwards he said that was only my first try! i am going to call him Rush, because in the western tradition all good things deserve a name.

between fundraising meetings and the baths i have been catching the exciting parts of the world cup, which to me is better than the olympics because everyone is playing the same game so there’s a focus to it, and because the coverage isn’t all u.s.-centered. and of course i can’t help but cheer for the global south in any representation: angola! ivory coast! argentina! brazil! etc!

now i have crept into ny and am sort of slinking about as a visitor trying to lay low. if you see me walkin down the street? it wasn’t me - my sole purpose in town is to sleep as much as possible! happy 30th birthday to felice belle and sending much love to the southeast social forum crew - manju et al!

if you’re in atlanta tonight go see the not your soldier tour featuring the coup! i am running late to somewhere to meet with someone important - hush, don’t tell!

zzzzzzz

so i just finished this take back america conference and i try to rarely if ever speak at length about a conference, because i know a whole ton of work goes into them and that generally the folks pulling them together are motivated by a good spark. and y’all ain’t here. so…

however!

this conference has me arching my brow. everybody who considers themselves anybody in the movers and shakers realm, or wants to be anybody at this moment and could afford it or sneak in, was here. there’s a deep contingent of young hip-hop organizers here - the somebodies everybody wants to be or have in their base - thanks to progressive majority and the tides foundation.

what i have seen is a lot of floral bouquet smelling introductions and then short pitches disguised as speeches. people pitch their programs, their work, their personalities. there are a lot of ideas with no tactics, and tactics with no big picture, and big picture tactical people with no organization. there is a lot of frustration and false hope being tossed around as people circle in around the most famous or wealthy person in any given room and make nice. folks say they are anti-war and everywhere i see the 2500 sign, for 2500 american soldiers killed. still, the first speaker of the second day of the conference was hillary clinton, a pro-war senator. folks say to give hillary a chance, but we can’t support a pro-war, pro-patriot act candidate. where we need a bold difference she offers us a timid half-step.

the most exciting people here are the young and innovative, its always good when they come together. i would say we, but me and my generation are already lovingly dusty compared to the real energy of the moment - 20-centered. i feel less young than ever. in a good way! its nice to see folks stepping up, some i’ve watched come up and some new. i wish there was a whole separate track for them to just plan plan plan with each other, rather than sitting and listening to panels of people who mostly theorize about the things these young people do.

as far as i can tell from the speeches, the way to take back america is to rail politely, unclear on what your line in the sand is, and end with ‘let’s take it back!’ there are glowing exceptions, clear strategies - the rockwood crew is in the house so i get to see folks i am doing leadership development with all in their element.

still, you start to feel that old conference frustration, might your time have been better spent doing anything but conferencing?

then! then, you have a day of meeting with people excited about what you do, who totally understand what you are doing and why and how.

and then barack obama speaks and gives you that tiny pretty precious bit of hope. i imagine its like finding crack in the couch before bobby kristina does. he is so poetic and clear and broad and direct and you get chills and puts a tear in your eye, that master of message. resist if you just hate hope, you know? then again, you can’t resist with mervyn at the table, instead you get a mervyn wink as the table collectively silences itself (after speaking over every other speaker at the conference) and lean in and inhale that hope scent. though his initials are unfortunate, b.o. says things that have started to seem impossible to you, placing our current struggle in the context of 105 year old woman’s life, a fan of his, who has seen so much change over three centuries in America. obama  reminds you that through slavery and Jim Crow and world wars and nuclear bombs and depression and all that, people kept the faith in the idea. you can’t call a conference "take back the unrealized idea of america". it’s implied, i suppose.

now, we are not idealists, we are hopeful cynics, so the high doesn’t last too terribly long. a black man (or woman) with a better capacity to communicate the dream of america than any president? its nothin new, as my boy k-mos says.

i’m sleepy now, too many ays with too little sleep. i got two talks today, three actually, on health and sleep. circles under my eyes, just ain’t cute :)  night!