adrienne maree, the luscious satyagraha

see that’s wack - how come no one told me its haBana outpost, not havana outpost?  

i
just spent a few hours with 2 shanes and james the jetblue airline
attendant (who doesn’t love jet blue! and who else will sing mariah
with me before the real juice even starts flowing?) and jen (oh right
that’s who will sing mariah:

if i could recapture
all of the memories
and bring them to life
darling i would
hear the distant laughter
wasn’t it you and me
surviving the night
your fading out o my sight swiftly
you’re vanaishing
drifting away. 

and
lopetti the lovely was there, even ling-lang the great comic and sofia
‘angela davis dreamed of my hairdo’ santana made an appearance. even on
fridays, habana is better. none of that stuffy closed in are my high
heels stupid-cute enough for you brouhaha…

met a boy named
needles - an ex-marine (doesn’t think war is cool, worry not) who winks
and djs. totally charming. he was with paul, a knit capped non-drinker
who was a musician and quite nice, but his other companions were that
sort of belligerant (sp?) straight male that is hard to hold a long
conversation with. i always find it interesting that very cool and
sweet guys flock to these alpha males who no one in their right mind
would want to bed or bemuse.

i think i may have bruised my foot
bone or something. it really hurts, its numb and a little bruised and
swollen. but when? how? not to mention i itch all over and i think it
may be stress! no scars, just momentary hives. its just keeps moving
over me, i want to remove my skin for the summer.

what else - i
was telling my friend of a good book i’d just read, my life as emperor.
what she heard was ‘my life as a zipper’ - which i may now have to
write on principle. but whose?

i’m having a legendary
romantic correspondance with a certain special someone who is calling
me out on my isht! its deep! get out my head - no don’t go…

what else?

nothing….

oh congratulations larisa and bryan! married and moving to turkey to teach. now that’s a life story!!!

its
less than 12 hours now till Dani R. McClain arrives and i can’t tell
you until she comes all the fabulosity about to ensue…

tequila, don’t make it bad.
take a sad day, and make it better.
the minute, you slip your numb in my heart,
then i can start, to feel slightly better (better better better!)

oh
oh oh - and i saw op miller, better known as opopo, he who has thrilled
audiences from south africa to south portland with his hip-hop smooth
stylings. he always smells good and i cannot impress upon you how
important that is to me.

eat at madiba friends - corner of dekalb and hmmm….carlton maybe? yummy.

i had breakfast this morning with the reverend mistress hummingbird, who told me that the evolutionary period between cat and human probably didn’t look that good, or feel that good. she was saying this because she is moving from ‘human’ consciousness a little higher, and i wonder with all these weird dreams if i am not battling with some lesser divinity myself. i envision a little pint-sized orange fairy with a fat booty and an attitude constantly sucking its teeth at me like, girl you know better.

still, R.M.H. says that divinity - higher and higher, is what we’re all evolving towards, and that every soul will get there - we have eternity. i thought that was lovely, and needed to hear it, cause some days i feel like it will take eternity for me to figure out how to connect my intentions with my actions.

i think that sometimes when skipping along in the realm of the possible a mirror pops up and catches you off guard. you throw rocks at the image but they skip the surface and flow through. you hear that love is unconditional and you don’t believe that so you fling yourself at it and away. your own little madness is wild in you, no one is to blame. having said no like a mantra it trips my spirit up to need/have a moment of yes. i realize that everyone has been going through their hard times, and i feel like they suffer in drops and i stand by and catch the drops in cupped hands and now my hands are overflowing with sorrow, though my own sorrow is the tipping element.

oh nevermind me. its the middle of the night again. the heat broke and mercury is in retrograde.

i’m being dramatic, i just have to make grown decisions. like my friend jen says, when you feel you have no agency, you become vulnerable. walk your power (she is quoting this, possibly from an iyanla like character swathed in brooklyn orange and the scent of sandaltchouli.

vague enough for you? plus i still haven’t closed the parenthetical statment off and the closing curve has lost all meaning. but here’s a brilliant piece from one of my favorite stories of all time:

I give myself Very Good Advice

But I very seldom follow it.
That explains the trouble that
I’m always in.
Be patient is very good advice,
but the waiting makes me curious.
And I’d love the change,
should something strange begin.
Well, I went along my merry way,
and I never stopped to reason.
I should have known there’d be a price to pay, some day.
Some day.
I give myself very good advice,
but I very seldom follow it.
Will I ever learn to do the things I should?

i am eating mushrooms and running through a valley of grins. and today i was asked to write a book with a new urban vision, the city politic, the human to come. i see it, but its wearing no clothes, and i can’t help but laugh.

sleep. come.

happy birthday shane!!!!!

last night was shane’s birthday party and we celebrated with red wine, tiramisu, and an impromptu dance party of inebriated joy! i have never seen the movie ‘camp’, but this song from it called "here’s where i am" really opened up the floodgates. i will not recap all the details of the marvelous evening, suffice it to say that i am still beaming. and that the dancing was so off the hook and grindy that i had my first all out bout of penis envy. freud, you dirty old man - how did you know?!

talked to the heartbreaker yesterday - i’ve realized he’s become like a second bloody cycle in my life. once a month i ache and ache and no medicine can numb me, need for him bleeds me and the knowledge that he can in NO WAY be what i need does not have an effect on the fact that in most ways i still want him more than anything. still - though the torture is no less intense, it is less often.

but back to real life. in real life i eat breath and sleep this conference i am planning, this amazing trip i am taking for the month of august in which i will work tons and see both my sisters and grandparents - i haven’t seen my grandfather since his heart attack. and my grandmother has been having a moment, as her man had the heart attack and is a stubborn healer, and her mother, my great grandmother, has alzheimer’s and bouts of dimensia. we all got to be together once, four generations of women driving my great grandmother around - she was like who is that girl? lol - there’s too much to remember in the world to pay much mind to a colored great granddaughter. but she is spunky, and my grandmother is fierce and takes care of business - matriarch, selfless, ambitious. and my grandfather is falling for a new jesus, the jesus of the poor. i can’t want to see them all. and my roommate for all for years of college is getting married to the man i advocated for! august promises delights.

but why am i on that tangent?

the REAL news is that i meet for coffee with the voyeur/photographer on friday to discuss the possibilities of me as a subject. this is in direct opposition to my inner truth that i am not photogenic!

no the REAL news is i am meeting with a publishing house tomorrow afternoon about a book project!

no the REAL REAL news is Dani’s Eminent Return occurs on saturday morning.

and keep in mind, all of this is to keep my mind, just for today, off of the real real real news, cause i already have one broken heart for the summer, and bombay is under water…

yoma3jane is my MOTHER who lives in

JAPAN

…enjoy:

yoma3jane: got to
watch a special on walruses and polar bears
lusciousmsbrown:

yoma3jane: and penguins…
lusciousmsbrown: you
are like a kid
lusciousmsbrown: i
think you should go back to school
lusciousmsbrown: you
love to learn
yoma3jane: got to see all of them "doing
it"!
yoma3jane: hahaha
lusciousmsbrown: LOL
lusciousmsbrown:
mom!!!
lusciousmsbrown: LOL
yoma3jane: it was so funny!
yoma3jane: like where is that penguin hiding
their stuff… but you knew they were having sex
yoma3jane: and they mate for the summer but not
for life!
yoma3jane: while albatrosses mate for life
yoma3jane: dad is like how can they prove that?
lusciousmsbrown: oh
cool
yoma3jane: but they do - put devices on them to
track
yoma3jane: but all the instinct inborn in these
animals…
yoma3jane: it’s a wonder!
lusciousmsbrown: well
then you and dad are like albatross
yoma3jane: well - sort of!
lusciousmsbrown: what
animals only mate from a distance or for a few months at a time?
lusciousmsbrown: LOL
yoma3jane: we are not spending the rest of the
year apart
yoma3jane: that’s what the albatrosses do - they
fly off their separate ways and meet up

yoma3jane: like how can they do that?!
yoma3jane: find each other and they live close
to 80 yrs!
lusciousmsbrown: well
you just did that
lusciousmsbrown: for
several weeks actually
yoma3jane: i know but seriously
lusciousmsbrown: and
yet you know how to find dad
yoma3jane: well - i put a tracking device on him!
yoma3jane: animals are amazing though!
lusciousmsbrown:
humans are animals though 
yoma3jane: yes we are…
yoma3jane: and some are good beasts and others
are just beasts….
lusciousmsbrown: thats
why those shows are truly so intriguing
lusciousmsbrown: we
get to watch the behavior of our hearts and instincts –

yoma3jane: i know
yoma3jane: and
the fact that there are people dedicating their entire lives to watching the
habitat of polar bears!
 yoma3jane: can you imagine the tedium of that life… i
mean all told it’s fascinating
lusciousmsbrown: someone
once told me we had no instincts. scientifically. but i think he had no heart!
yoma3jane: but to do that day in and day out…
yoma3jane: really
yoma3jane: oh but we do have instincts….
yoma3jane: and very strong ones…
lusciousmsbrown: well its tedious to us but those folks
watching polar bears probably think looking at a computer or tv all day -
watching metal and glass - is tedious. (to which I’d say, true, true)
lusciousmsbrown: lol
yoma3jane: true dat!
yoma3jane: but balance…
yoma3jane: is important….
lusciousmsbrown:
wicky wicky word

ok sorry for the pensive pot post yesterday – this weekend
was actually pretty f-ing fantastic considering all the thinking I was doing…the news of the world is currently really wack, so i had an escapist’s weekend, which i think all activists should do as much as possible!

evansito came to town for I think what was supposed to be a
moment and became a weekend and he is always fantastic to have around. we
started off the weekend at a karaoke bar on 2^nd ave, but the folks I
was with kept running next door to a bar called cock?  I demurred, how scandalous! rumor has it
there was a hot boy-boy dancer and someone tipped him by grabbing his most
valuable accessory and wrapping her dollar around it!!

Yahonnes, my handsomest friend with a car, came and got me
for a while to do my number one favorite thing (exaggeration but not by much) –
driving around ny on a friday or saturday night watching
people. we got pommes frites, listened to
music, laughed at the stylish and then went back to find the cock-ers. this
night in almost every way mirrored one of my favorite nights I ever had with my
heartbreaker, and I remembered that the date I keep in my head as our
beginning, the first night we ever hung out, had just passed. the whole thing
ebbed and flowed and came to an end in less than a year. I found that both
depressing and efficient. I hate watching
people mill about in bad relationships, or bad non-relationships
- and yet I would have loved more time with him. two years. another month.
another day.

 so saturday, evans was still there and regaled up with stories
that made me laugh harder than I can remember ever laughing as an adult. ever.
his skill at storytelling is flawless and constantly improving. I was beside
myself, and by the time I got back my entire body was devastated by laughter.

saturday we were on a mission. a dear dear friend of ours
had somehow made it into her mid-twenties having never experienced an orgasm,
and to me that is an emergency and calls for an all out assault. we had brunch
at the newly reopened café lafayette which is now called café babouche – still the best scrambled eggs and goat cheese and Canadian bacon and coffee on a saturday; and then took off for toys in
babeland (www.babeland.com).

there, we purchased this dear friend my favorite two toys
for basic daily needs – one is the silver bullet, or double silver bullet when
they have that, and the other is the wahl – this plug-into-the-wall wonder with
7 attachments including a scalp massager. I think every woman and some men
should own this combo. the wahl is good for deep muscle massaging as well. then
I coached her as to how to best use them, and other little things she might
like to have around…long story short, it all worked! this dear friend’s life
has now changed! she is in the realm of pleasure!!

I also splurged and got the space invader and I am remarkably
pleased and give it two thumbs up. or one thumb, cause the other hand is busy!

we then went to some ridiculously wonderful expensive soho
spot, then uptown for 6 hrs of monopoly! I love playing board games with grown
ups – their real selves come out with a quickness. ambition, greed, control,
desire, all of it just bubbles up to the surface marvelously.

then sunday I was in my head all day, but got a lot of work
done and had a lovely brunch with evans who I never get enough of. but sunday
evening became a bit super fabulous – jenn and shane and sofia and i went to havana
outpost,  which is becoming a habit, and
they were showing ‘do the right thing’, which is a deep movie to watch with a
bunch of black people in Brooklyn. the corn yummy, the hot dogs irresistible,
and then we got lucky and the man who I guess hosts the whole thing joined us
and I gave him an interview like we were inside the actors studio, plus asked
him repeatedly if jenn and I could have a cabaret night there sometimes. don’t
you think you need more cabaret nights in your life?

ryan gosling was there – have you seen the notebook?
randomly, mad people I know have. I saw it cause it seemed to be the only
watchable thing in the collection at the home of my grandmother (who has been
known to walk out of the theater because of too much cursing or vivacious sex,
to give you a sense of the type of movie this is, and yet, I liked it - very
romantic real-love-cannot-die type story – I’m not going to close the
parenthesis and I just realized that. my bad…so the lead in that film is there
and I told him he was fantastic in it and then he came over and sofia promptly
said: “I hated the last 20 minutes of that movie though, what happened?” which
is great because – while it wasn’t the most polite? it was the most honest.

so at some point I realized I’d reach my tequila input limit
and headed home. several hours later the doorbell goes off and who is on my
stoop but a smiling glowing shane, who’d been kicking much game for the past
couple of hours to a nameless handsome hottie. he couldn’t get in his place
cause some people were passed out and unresponsive? so I took him in, and it
was delightful, cause as much as I hate to admit it the bed has felt mad empty
since heartbreaker bounced.

let’s see – I don’t know why I am writing up this whole
weekend except it was fabulous…oh and this morning I had an awesome breakfast
with laura livoti who randomly bought me a bag
that took my breath away on the street. I heart laura.

hey hector – I know you’re reading and I love you!! was so
good to see you!!

ok, back to working on smackdown 2005 (www.indyvoter.org I hope ya heard).

i think the lesson for the week is: there are no straight lines.

i’ve been going through this moment - all these people coming at me but none quite…eh, i don’t know. i think swimming post-heartbreak is like, yes there are other fish in the sea. but you’ve come to prefer one and everyone else ends up in your pool. its hot hot hot, and you maybe go into that world and find some satisfation, but then you giggle and you keep it moving.

and finding out all these new ways that you can be right and wrong about people - you’re surprised because they are greater than you expect and disappointed because…the same people, but they’re human and thoughtless. and communication - you think out what you need to let folks know and then they are there in front of you and some other words, true but not what you intended, come out of your face, and some other faces get made to back up those words and before you know it the whole relationship has changed - deeper or shallower, clearer or wonderfully less clear.

lately i’ve been a little all over, somehow reconnected with everyone i ever met, and then new ones, and its fulfilling and its exhausting. i’m laughing but i’m never joking, i’m moving but very present. but i have to focus in though - too much zha zha zha all over.

not to mention, time stripping people down in this way can be remarkably sad, and unveil yourself to you, then you end up half balanced on a sunday afternoon. la la in my head…

but work is a respite, perhaps i should do some more…

ladies, go buy a space invader tomorrow at toys in babeland. for your health!

so here’s a chat i just had with ibrahim abdul matin who i asked to help me think of a reason to go to sleep, and then a gnostic creation tale that makes me happy and which i am going to attempt to artistically render for my friend sofia: 

salihmatin1@mac.com: its almost daylight and you’re not a vampire
lusciousmsbrown: true
lusciousmsbrown: i’m so tired, but i keep not sleeping at night
salihmatin1@mac.com: its called insomnia
lusciousmsbrown: ah
salihmatin1@mac.com: many of us have it
salihmatin1@mac.com: but deny it and say we are night owls
lusciousmsbrown: true
salihmatin1@mac.com: how are you?
lusciousmsbrown:
salihmatin1@mac.com: cheers to smily faces
lusciousmsbrown: i have been going on many dates and having lots of energy
salihmatin1@mac.com: dates, eh?
salihmatin1@mac.com: you coo them with the shisha? 
lusciousmsbrown: i coo? everyone with shisha  
lusciousmsbrown: i think i am sitting up because of big decisions and realizations in my
head
salihmatin1@mac.com: what are the realizations?
lusciousmsbrown: oh everything from what i believe to how i make love to what i want to
what i don’t want to maybe where i want to go…
salihmatin1@mac.com: anything specific jumping out at you?
lusciousmsbrown: yes. i want to get paid just to write.
lusciousmsbrown: i want to write political erotic science fiction and draw the pictures
to go with it 
salihmatin1@mac.com: damn…
salihmatin1@mac.com: you rock
lusciousmsbrown: i keep talking to this british muslim man and thinking i want to learn islam   - i think the interest is not him but the path to god
salihmatin1@mac.com: you’d be a catch
salihmatin1@mac.com: if you were muslim
salihmatin1@mac.com: to muslims
lusciousmsbrown:  i feel like that is in a way god saying come find me this way.
salihmatin1@mac.com: wow….
salihmatin1@mac.com: adrienne… you realize that this is the time of night when
revelation DOES happen
lusciousmsbrown: have u ever read the gnostic creation myths btw? very beautiful. am i
always wowing you, or do you just say wow to everyone? 
salihmatin1@mac.com: and very close to fajr, the first prayer…
salihmatin1@mac.com: you often do
salihmatin1@mac.com: and yes, i have read some gnostic creations s

tori

es
salihmatin1@mac.com: very fascinating
lusciousmsbrown: well then. i am being revealed everything at night th

ese

days. the last three nights i have awoken
at like 5 with clear dreams in my head which manifested in the day, i am trying
to be ok with it and not expect it
salihmatin1@mac.com: something is shifting my dear
lusciousmsbrown: indeed. i thought it was purely my sexual energy, but i was wrong. i
feel like if folks could see my aura it would look like
salihmatin1@mac.com: yes…
lusciousmsbrown: a glowing thing, with fizzures of a much brighter light coming through
all over, particularly around the head and sacrum.
salihmatin1@mac.com: its def not just sexual nRg
lusciousmsbrown: nothing ever ends up being that
lusciousmsbrown: that’s just what i always turn to in my head for comfort
lusciousmsbrown: lol
salihmatin1@mac.com: i am amazed at how well you know yourself, you are in
constant state of reflection…
salihmatin1@mac.com: comfort is what we humans love
lusciousmsbrown: i love to think about how humans operate, and the closest lense i have
is myself. i’m gonna be in the bay soon for baby’s wedding and spin academy btw. 
salihmatin1@mac.com: who’s baby?
lusciousmsbrown: college roommate
salihmatin1@mac.com: nice, sign o’ the times
lusciousmsbrown: marriage is happening all around me, marriage and break up, heart
wrecks and new buzzing love.
lusciousmsbrown: i have been so fortunate in flirtation that i have started to matchmake
others for all types of unions.
salihmatin1@mac.com: the cycle of it is interesting… what is fascinating is that
we never actually lose hope
salihmatin1@mac.com: we (communal we) keep pluggin away at it
lusciousmsbrown: what good is a network and a deep belief in love if you don’t generate
love in the network. we - come close to losing hope don’t we? but those of us
who value the whole lesson are tireless and fearless, aren’t we.
salihmatin1@mac.com: you ask questions with answers inbedded in them like a
professora
lusciousmsbrown: i love this conversation.
lusciousmsbrown: so glad i got up from non-sleeping to look into the universe through
this window at this moment!
salihmatin1@mac.com: look into the universe through this window — poetic!
 lusciousmsbrown: dear god please let me go into space
lusciousmsbrown: i am almost done with the ultimate hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, and
am feeling re

mark

ably earth bound, limited by three
dimensions, by linear time.
salihmatin1@mac.com: yes, yes…
 lusciousmsbrown: ok darling
lusciousmsbrown: i am going to try and read myself to sleep
salihmatin1@mac.com: ALLAH wanted us to talk
this morning…
salihmatin1@mac.com: i send blessings your way…
lusciousmsbrown: will you give me lessons sometime?
salihmatin1@mac.com: lessons?
lusciousmsbrown: learnings about allah
salihmatin1@mac.com: inshallah (God willing)
salihmatin1@mac.com: yes
salihmatin1@mac.com: indeed, it would be a pleasure
lusciousmsbrown: ok - i’ll try to think of something comparable to god to give you as
exchange
salihmatin1@mac.com: fantastic…
salihmatin1@mac.com: i look forward
salihmatin1@mac.com: help me get published with fiction someday…
lusciousmsbrown: i met someone tonight
lusciousmsbrown: who publishes fiction
salihmatin1@mac.com: interesante… 
lusciousmsbrown:  i will introduce y’all when next
you come to nyc
salihmatin1@mac.com: bet
salihmatin1@mac.com: woah…
salihmatin1@mac.com: see, like i said, i think you have the means right in front
of you…
salihmatin1@mac.com: we both do
lusciousmsbrown: lol
lusciousmsbrown: life is actually ALWAYS like that
salihmatin1@mac.com: yes…
lusciousmsbrown: any path could unfold before you if you wished it
salihmatin1@mac.com: yes…
lusciousmsbrown: anything in the world is yours if you want it
lusciousmsbrown: thats how i live, and i get everything i need, plus abundance
salihmatin1@mac.com: and this time right now is when the angels are especially
looking out for you
salihmatin1@mac.com: sleep tight
lusciousmsbrown: i will love. thank you!

AND HERE IS SOME GNOSTIC CREATION FOR YOU - this beautiful beautiful writing was discovered by sofia, who also discovered all the nobel prize winner’s speeches online and regularly sends them to us. note - we’ve all known sofia = wisdom since we met her, this is just cherries or whatever other toppings you prefer on that knowledge:

It seems that once there was only the Fore-Creation, invisible,
without form or gender, all-pervasive, filling the depths and heights of what
was and which, desiring to manifest an inward potential gave birth to many holy
dyads…that is, pairs, the first of which were the Abyss and Fore-thought. Then
a desire arose in Fore-thought and it meditated on Silence who conceived and
gave birth to twins: the first visible female form called Truth and the first
visible male form called Mind, in turn they together gave birth to Life and
Word…Life was the form-mother of the Pleroma and Word was the form-father of
those manifest within the Pleroma. The Pleroma is the fullness of the spiritual
world, uninfluenced by matter, energy or light.

Many other dyads were born, called Aeons, or sacred powers, the last of which
was the divine Sophia, or Holy Wisdom. Of all the Aeons, the divine Sophia
desired most intensely to know the origins of Her own creation, that is, the
nature of the Fore-Creator. Though Mind told Her that such knowledge was
impossible, nevertheless, Sophia began to search high and low, after Mind was
restrained by Silence. None of the Aeons comprehended the Fore-Creation other
than Truth whose perfect reflection was a transparent presence invisible to
Sophia. She separated Herself from Her consort, ranged the vastness of the
uncreated Immensity, and far out- distanced all the other Aeons.

Sensing her separation from the other Aeons, and lacking a clear knowledge of
the Fore-Creator, She felt pain and sorrow, She wept and grieved deeply, She
desired with all Her Heart to comprehend the vast, unending totality of the
Fore-Creator, also called the Abyss. But the Abyss was vast beyond
comprehending, and Her sorrow increased and Her passions flowed out of Her in
waves and She risked utter dissolution into the Abyss as She radiated forth a
turbulence into the stillness of Immensity. Then, suddenly, She encountered
Horos, the Limit, Boundary, and understood that the Fore-Creation was
unknowable, holy and profound, beyond the comprehension of Mind, Word or even
Truth. This was the First Gnosis.

But now, the manifestations of Her intentions and passions remained as viable
presences in the Immensity, they overflowed the Pleroma and began to take on a
more substantive appearance. Sophia beheld these manifestations, the
consequences of Her passions, and was again stirred with grief, fear,
uncertainty and sorrow because She understood that these were the manifestations
of Her own ignorance concerning the Fore-creation. A dim, barely light-like haze
began to appear, first manifestation in the Primal Void, the concatenation of
passion and desire unfulfilled, slowly evolving into manifest forms–the
stirrings of light, energy and chaos.

All the Aeons together were concerned about the appearance of Chaos and so
they, with the divine Sophia, prayed in depth and a new dyad was manifested:
Christos and the Holy Spirit, his female counterpart. Together, they calmed the
Aeons and soothed their fears, also instructing them in the unknowableness of
the Fore-Creation while simultaneously revealing to them the inner unity,
harmony and illumination of the Pleroma–this was the Second Gnosis. Yet, the
haze and proto-forms of Chaos remained and among these emerging forms was an
image of Sophia, called the Lower Wisdom, for She had divided Herself in the
passion of her search and now, the Lower Wisdom abided in the midst of
Chaos.

This Lower Wisdom desired to return and be united with Her own Higher Self,
rather than remain trapped in Her passions and desires and when She felt the
emmanations of the Holy Spirit and the Christos, when they manifest their
healing and harmony within the Pleroma, She began to seek a way to return to the
primal harmony and illumination of the Second Gnosis. And when Lower Wisdom
discovered that She was bound by Limit and could not return or ascend to the
Pleroma, She once again grieved and sorrowed. And from this second grief, from
the waves and energy of that sorrow, the first material substances began to
form, divide and align themselves in patterns of light, dimness and darkening
matter. Then the Aeons together ask the Christos to assist the Lower Sophia and
He manifested in the lower world of proto-matter as Yeshu’a, and soothed Her and
comforted Her and revealed to Her all the many luminous beings that manifested
in the Void as their spiritual companions.

But the proto-matter of the Void was now mixed with passion, desire and
sorrow, and the luminous lights of the Void were the spiritual presences
inherent to the newly forming matter, inherent to each and every elemental
substance, the combinations and the consequent appearances. Thus the spiritual
qualities of matter are the inherent emmanations of Wisdom stimulated through
the manifestation of Christos and the Holy Spirit. And Wisdom was reunited with
Her own Higher Self, and perceiving the holiness of the manifestation, and
seeing clearly both the psychic and material character of those manifestations,
gave birth to one last entity–called "Father of the Material Realm" or the
Maker and creator of the Lower Visible Realms.

This Father God created then, seven realms, each more material than the last,
until finally this human world was formed and the beings of this world rose and
walked, crawled or flew through the skies. But the Father God was vain and
jealous, angry and forbidding, not knowing the power of the higher Aeons, nor of
the Pleroma, nor even of his own Mother, the Divine Sophia. And when the Divine
Sophia instructed him and opened his mind to Truth, he was amazed and refused to
divulge these mysteries to those of his own creation. Being a god of the
material, social and psychic order, it was not possible for him to be a teacher
of the higher mysteries, and Sophia was dismayed by his wrath, anger and
jealousy. So when he created the first human beings, She was there and secretly,
without his knowing, She gave to them the gift of the Holy Spirit as a divine
spark in every human heart.

And it is said, that in the Garden of Eden, created by the lower Father God,
that Eve was the manifestation of the Lower Wisdom and that the serpent or snake
of the tree, was actually the Christos who urged Eve to eat the Fruit of the
Tree of Knowledge that she might attain the true Gnosis or knowledge of her
origins and realize the Higher Sophia in perfect illumination and bliss. But the
Father God, discovering that this secret teaching was disturbing his supremacy
in the lower realms grew angry and cast them out of the garden and into the
suffering of the world. Yet each and every descendent has this spark and the
potential to recover the true Gnosis.

It is also said that it was for this reason that the Christos manifest as a
human being, to bring the gift of the Holy Spirit, in all its female power and
capacity, to liberate those who cast free from the illusions of the material and
psychic realms and to ascend through visions of power and knowledge to the
Higher Gnosis, to reunite the lower and higher self, to attain to visionary
truth and perfect transparency. The Divine Sophia is the manifest presence of
that vision, and this tale, one of Her symbolic forms. And the snake, an image
of Higher Wisdom, is a true teacher that reconciles the desires and passions of
knowledge with higher insight, overcomes the limitations of a jealous and
demanding lesser god and transmits the teachings of the Divine Sophia. In this
way, it is said, the faithful attain peace and the passionate, union, holiness
and joy.

i love having lawyers in my midst! jenny commented on the law tip - altho i still feel a bit confused, but less so - thanks jenny.

am i un peu tipsy?

why, si si si…i had dinner with an old friend tonight and - this is a friend that everyone since back in the day has been crushed out on. and i never really got it, i always remembered him all skinny and stuff from our early days. i always go to him for info on the mysterious world of serial monogamy where he happily resides, and i think he asks with some darkside curiousity about the life of a love-wanderer. so tonight in the midst of our usual conversation on fidelity and flexibility and lust and responsibility, i had a moment of absolute clarity on his appeal. i finally saw it, what the others have always seen. he has his very own perfection. i was really happy to get to see it, and to know deeply that he is a consistently thoughtful and faithful man, in spite of - or enhancing - the fact that he has grown into a gorgeous man. you go baby. but i won’t tell, never that.

then ran into one of the pieces of my heart, darling isaac, so so good to see him. i love ny, michael rappaport walked by but isaac made me squeal and beam!

then my new sweetheart called for no good reason, always the best best reason, AFTER two emails already we are having a literary liaison. dear lord give me more words.

my summer is going so great that several friends have told me to play the lottery.

this morning i woke from a dream in which i had moved across the hall and was decorating. my landlady called and said, i think i can’t renew your lease, and i said how about i move across the hall? and she said oh that’s fine! am i a prophet or procrastinating the day she really kicks me. the crazy thing is, i love the crazy lady. she always says, you are a good tenant and a good person - i just want to renovate the room. cross your fingers!

now, i am going to share a list of things i recommend you do before the end of this summer:

- start a blog, even if its just for yourself
- cut your hair, or color it, or tidy your brows, or shave something new, or do something to shift the balance of hair to skin - its hot outside!
- go on dates, even blind ones, be matchmade, be fearless in your game cause YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE BUT YOUR DUSTY NETHERLANDS!! and flirt wildly with everyone you ever wanted
- consider loving without boundaries or expectations, just totally, with no questions or ownership and with a million questions and with unquestioning forgiveness and insatiable crazy all encompassing passion. just consider it. it could be cool. 
- moisterize and powder and oil and carry a cloth to pat your face off and balm your lips and generally treat your body like you are on a tropical island. look BETTER.
- go outside before 9am - not to go to work, just to walk around before the sun starts to exert its heavy heat on the day. summer in ny is the reason i never can say goodbye…
- go to the russian baths and sunbathe nude cause there’s no excuse to have tanlines in the modern world!
- steal something small you really want and can’t afford from a place that can afford to donate it to you but would never think to offer
- radiate
- look around you. in this moment, we are vibrantly pressing against the edges and SO alive. look around you and take it ALL in.

and mostly - WHEN ASKED TO GO DANCING TO CELEBRATE COLOMBIAN INDEPENDENCE, GO DANCING!!!

this starts off as an overtly political post, which i try not to do too often but today these folks just makin me mad!

bush has announced his nominee for the supreme court, conservative judge john g roberts. here’s a sentence from the ny times that makes me feel like a duped idealist:

"His résumé suggests that Judge Roberts will not commit himself to recapturing a distant constitutional paradise."

the american dream has been relagated from a goal to paradise! guess its in heaven too. perhaps i am willfully misunderstanding the quote to conclude that roberts will stick with modern interpretations of the law, no matter how far right they are, rather than intention of the white male framers (who, in a twist no cherokee or ghanain at the time would believe, would be considered radical leftists in today’s political environment). i guess the constitution just isn’t even where its at anymore?

in other news, the house is considering extending the right of african americans to vote for 25 more years after 2007. sometimes i get so tired of white answers to black questions. at what point in the future will you need to revoke the right of african americans to vote - you already got us between Disenfranchisement and the Democrats. i can’t wait for the day we stop settling, no matter how many lives i gotta get thru to see it.

on a happier note, i got to stare at someone beautiful through dinner and drinks last night. i love dates. everyone, ask someone on a date and make it fabulous!

but wait did i tell you about the crazy man, we’ll call him L-Crazee, from the other night? he seemed harmless enough, beautiful like evans or shane or denzel as malcolm - or malcolm. met him in front of my bodega and he delayed me for an hour during which he said all of the following:

- do you believe in love at first sight?
- i have been around the block and am looking to settle down
- don’t go
- can i call you when i get home?
- can we have breakfast in the morning?
- can i buy you ice cream and then massage your feet?
- you are beautiful. i can just see our kids. (!!!!)
- i love toys, electronics. love them. obsessed. can’t get enough. i love them all.
- i’m trying to make money, ya heard?
- you can come watch cable at my house.
- i can tell this is going to be nice if you don’t misbehave.
- misbehaving would be if i went 2-3 days and didn’t hear from you.
- one more hug?
- you really leaving?
- fine then.

in the midst of which i generally said:

- why you think you want to talk to me?
- you’re beautiful too.
- i need to go home now.
- shit, you might be crazy. i can’t believe i just gave you my number (inside-mind voice)
- i’m leaving now

i did somehow give him a hug and a kiss - he shocked me with that film star level beauty, looked like he stepped off some runway to blast me with his white tooth smile and bald black head. however!!! enough beautiful crazy for me. he talked his way right out of the "pretty likely" VIP room and into the "never gonna get it" asylum in my mind, which is already hella crowded.

i mostly brought him up as a lesson to the would be mack-lovahs out there. there are so many things to NOT say when first meeting someone, and he managed to say roughly all of them.

have a great day!

i just wrote a whole dope blog and it disappeared.

now i am too pissed to write it all up again. it was all about my new love, my boy toy, my old man, my new girl to break in, my heartbreaker and i talking, and how its a good summer. FORGET IT. here are some announcements:

big up jeff chang baby!!

Just got the news: Can't Stop Won't Stop has won a 2005 American Book Award! 

It's not even sundown yet and we've already begun popping champagne and sushi aroundhere. Thank you all for your support. It's greatly appreciated.

For some background info on the Award and previous winners, click onto the blog:

www.cantstopwontstop.com/blog

–

in honor of sofia ‘mo mo yayo’ santana

WEDNESDAY JULY 20

S.O.B.s Latin Alternative Concerts
presents

COLOMBIAN INDEPENDENCE DAY PARTY!!

FOLKLORE URBANO

Doors: 7 PM
Shows:8 PM / 10 PM

Admission:
$10 w/ Flyer, $15 Day Of

Folklore
Urbano features the original music and arrangements
of NYC composer/arranger/pianist Pablo Mayor. In his music, the seductive
Colombian rhythms of his native country entwine with sophisticated jazz
harmonies and form, inciting both dance and intrigue. The sound is fresh; New
York City-based Folklore Urbano features a stellar jazz horn section comprised
of soprano/alto saxophone, euphonium, baritone saxophone, and flute, a jazz
rhythm section (drumset, bass, and piano), Colombian folkloric drums/
percussion (tambora, alegre, maracas), and most recently, trumpet and vocals.

Folklore Urbano
forges new territory by presenting the improvisatory elements of jazz while
retaining the rhythm and flavor of a Colombian tradition that is mostly unknown
today. The group’s CD, Aviso, has been broadcast throughout South
  America, Italy, Portugal, Spain, Puerto Rico, Miami, and New York.
www.folkloreurbano.com

–

Target is selling Seventh Generation products - go buy them there an encourage this large scale corporate support of earth friendly products - this is the only way they are going to get to the masses on the cheap and mo’ affordable tip!

–

Nesxt Tuesday my rockstar friend Arie’s band is doing a show - they make you feel good!

Hey Everybody!  Hope that the summer heat is treatingyou well.  Come spend an evening getting down with 4DSEA !

Tuesday July 26th8pmPussycat Lounge (the name says it all)96 Rector Street at Greenwich$6

21 and up

–

i am still super upset about the disappeared beautiful poetic perfect blog.

blech!

off to a date!